I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
