When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just found a bag of teeth...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
