my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
