so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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