The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
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Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize