i love accidental penises.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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