The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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