May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He has the fingertips of a God
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
