I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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