it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
