and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
