haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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