she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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