I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
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I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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