I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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