u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
