I think I won the penis lottery.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
