whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
