On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
