i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
