Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
