My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We got so high we made milksteak
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
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all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
YAS. BRING CRAB.