If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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