I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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