the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
