you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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