i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
