I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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