She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
