I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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