I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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