there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
