2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
