The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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