I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
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It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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