its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
