hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
