"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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