I think my fart just growled at me.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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