So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think your dad took our porno
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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