I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
