I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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