just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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