You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
