its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
