it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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