I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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