and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
