Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I just shit out all my problems.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
