I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
