please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
