Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
