i think i scared a bird with my dick
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
