Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
