i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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