i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
