kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
try to milk me bitch
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
