My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
